A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past

i finally can say i've been able to close the door on three men that have been on my mind lately. one i'll always be in contact with, and he's a great friend to me. it's a shame that bruno and i can't meet at rainbo club once a week to chat just like we could when i lived in chicago. it's hard having friends that from my chicago days (claire & vince, too) that i don't see face to face regularly. it's not a bad thing either. i'll always have their support. and hey, there's email!



guy #2: only around for about 3 months (met him right before my april fool's resolution), and it just never really ever went anywhere. he told me he "liked me, but (he) wasn't always available." meaning the whole "i'm really busy, but know that i like you back" type thing. that conversation occured @ an undisclosed location after he bought me three shots of jager. it was almost as though he needed those shots more than i did. then he left the bar before i did that night. after that, nothing ever moved on. you'd think that after telling someone you liked them, that you'd try to make it happen so to speak. at least that's what i'd say. (p.s. i totally stole that line from an elliott smith song off the "new moon" compliation. it rocks.)

however, it just feels like the situation remained idle and then totally dropped by him. it's a very stupid thing that a grown-but-obviously-immature man is capable of doing that. we had a little run in a couple of days ago and i have no desire of ever speaking to him or acknowledging his presence. anyhow, i'm cool with it now.



guy #3: much to the dismay of friends that already know this situation, i sent someone from the past (2002-2004) a cd from his amazon wish list. we haven't spoken in 3.5 years. i know he got the cd on monday or tuesday (thanks to tracking a package) and now his wishlist is no longer public. i'm wondering if he's going to return the cd back to amazon or hold onto it. i'm not expecting a response back from him directly. but if he returns the cd, than i'll know he wished i'd never contacted him. to people who know the situation, i've finally got the closure i needed.

to those that don't here's some good advice: don't be afraid to take a risk, but don't assume the outcome before it happens.



in other news, i haven't been swimming in about two years. i'm breaking in my new swimsuit next week after my weekly scrabble game. yes, i have a weekly scrabble game. my partners consist of a lady friend/drinking buddy/dance partner/fellow lover of kings of leon and live music who's my age. and a classmate of hers. he keeps winning and he's younger than us. my goal before the end of summer is for one of us to beat him. i did score 27 pts. with spelling "herpes" though. it was a moment that i even had to capture with the camera on my phone. okay enough with the scrabble talk.



been reading more these past few weeks. so far working through: Susan Sontag's On Photography, Craig Seligman's excellent book Sontag & Kael: Opposites Attract Me, about critics Susan Sontag and Pauline Kael, and tons of old fashion magazines. reading both of the aforementioned books have been incredible so far. makes me want to write a research paper, and i haven't felt that since my comp 2 class six years ago.



i will be attending school in the fall.

everybody's changing and i don't feel the same

i thought i'd downsize this quiz just a bit...

current fears: dying in my sleep, and how much higher the price of gas will rise
current goals: getting rid of what i don't need
favorite carbonated beverage: mexican coke in the glass bottles
adidas or puma: puma

do i smoke?: no i quit. thanks to chantix, a trip to chicago and claire's godawful pack of marlboro ultra lights. they were the nastiest things i have ever smoked in my entire life. considering claire was with me when i bought my first ever pack of cigs (dunhill lights in the white box) as a 19 year old, i thank her greatly for the nasty-ass ultra lights now. esp. since i've considered myself a non-smoker for 1-month-10 days-and almost 2 hours. whew!
p.s. i smoked half of that first pack as a nineteen year old in record time. look how far i've come.

cuss?: does "nastyass" count?
have i come to terms with the fact that my first love was an experience that i needed to have? yes
when was the last time i got caught doing something "bad"? last night i got pulled over four freaking blocks from my house. i was speeding since i needed to use the bathroom really really bad, and the cop actually was quite nice. she let me go probably since i told her "i have to go to the bathroom. here's my title/driver's license/registration. i live 4 blks. away if you follow me there, then we can talk."
do i feel a great sense of support from family/friends? yes
tattoos: two. the second's getting finished next week (finally).
movie everyone should see: winged migration. it's all about the birds people!
what country would you most like to visit: antartica
number of things in my past that I regret: right now? at 2 am? not getting enough sleep for the past couple of nights.

and for everyone's most frequently posted category that i see on blogs/myspace: what do you look for in a partner?

best eye color: if you understand this phrase "oh, you've got blue eyes, oh you've green eyes, oh, you've got grey eyes" then you know what i mean. (hint: it's from my top #1 ever written new order song)
hair color: brown
short or long hair: short and shaggy. quintessential rocker boy hair. i'm not into the rattail.
height: tall guys (i've always been a sucker for the tall ones)
best articles of clothing: well fitting broken in jeans with a cool t-shirt (i also wink/smile at men in tuxes) and french firemen (les pompiers as they are know) are impeccable. they are part of the military :)

kool aid pickles!

this is the funniest food article i've ever read in the new york times...i love that little kids are devising new ways to eat things as simple as pickles.

it reminds of when i was little (and still to this day) eating winstead's "well done" french fries dipped into a butterscotch shake.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/09/dining/09kool.html?ex=1336363200&en=7a27f1f9c02d4371&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

my so-called celibate life

thanks to a few years back when bex introduced me to the pernice brothers i'm currently really enjoying the new album. the above title of this post is the best track on the album. it's upbeat and the perfect summer track to kick off the first day of summer to.

aside from that i'm also digging the bloc party cd and still spinning the latest spoon cd. bex and i saw spoon last week and it brought back memories of the second time i saw spoon. i was 22 and had just quit smoking so i was knitting a sweater for myself to keep my hands busy. sitting next to me was a friend's friend that i had just been introduced to by my partner in crime and favorite person to see shows with: toulouse. (go read her blog! it's awesome) i'll call this guy will. he was nine years older than me and i was growing heavily intrested in by the minute. we began flirting with classic lines like "so, ginger, what do you study?" "i don't know, but i'd like to study you...heh heh." also at some point i couldn't see the keyboard player (who apparently was doing very funny stuff according to will) so i asked jokingly if i could sit on his lap. "sure," he said. "can i call you big daddy?" he laughed and moved his chair as much as he could just so i could see. after a couple of weeks, we got to know each other a bit better and kinda got involved. for a year and a half. he was noncommital and didn't want a girlfriend, but i kept seeing him anyway. things ended badly on the rainiest day in chicago a day after i had returned from my grandmother's funeral. he broke my heart. he left me for his current girlfriend who was underage at the time and about four years younger than me. i still miss will wherever he is.

heaven knows i'm miserable

so, if you are familiar with my financial status this may bore you...

apparently with an unstable bank account, $$$ owed to the gap and the banana of the republic, and god knows what to my mother (god bless that sweet sweet woman) i am considering a second job.

i'm in luck, paper source wants me! paper source! ok that is just the coolest. i've been shopping there since they opened. it seems like an easy job. roll paper up, smile, rearrange loose items.

and yes just for this interview i have the best outfit ever! (again, once i can post pictures, the pigs will fly)
denim skirt
black vintage blazer with nice beading on the collar
super fantastic (tm manolo's shoe blog) lisa nading heels
and that rad hot sauce shirt i stole from bex (please don't go to her page and rat me out)

yes ladies and gents i don't care about the weather and bare legs, because hotness always comes first.

p.s. can someone get my lip ring out before day one at the body shop? pretty please? i'll give you special times with griffin. he likes to snuggle.

all black. and i'm not a goth.

bex (aka my sister) took me to the standard warehouse sale where i bought, guess what, that's right black clothing. i also made off with a hot sauce shirt that was meant for bex, but i'm wearing it a to job interview at paper source tomorrow. plus we have a rule about sharing clothes: as long as i clean it after wearing it, it's all good. bexie, i know you don't smoke anymore and as long as you let me smoke in the car occasionally...we're cool.

and i scored the coolest shoes ever! (once i figure out how to post a pic)

then banana republic and old navy became the rest of our afternoon. by the way, the harrison pant is no longer the holy grail...that would be the ahem! camden fit.

so, if you see me on my way to work, i'm not a goth.

he called. finally.

so, have i told you the one about the guy who i met that gave me the best thing ever? and no it wasn't head...a few months ago i sat six inches apart from a boy younger than me on his bed and spent the next six hours confessing secrets and lies. nothing happened. and we were listening to ida. on repeat.

flash forward a moment when i actually got "cajones" and well, empowered by my hair guru called him. "hey i'm in town for the weekend...i'm bored. wanna hang out?"
this resulted in a repeat of the above. except ida was traded for fiona apple and then traded back again. little clothing was worn.

recently prompted by finding his business card among the five trillion boxes i moved from chicago to kc, i called. and he called back. we're making plans. vince tells me he'll call "within a week." keeping my fingers crossed.

p.s. by younger, i mean by a couple of years. not underage. ew.

walk of glory.

a couple of days ago i was put in a position in which i spent the night at a man's house. we made out (that's all, i promise) but come morning i realized i had to return my dad's car before 8am and took off. said man offered to drive me back to my car, but i said didn't want him to have to get up and i figured it wasn't that far anyway.

"just up the street" the night before seemed like a super short drive, but while on foot thanking myself for wearing a wool sweater i realized that my car (near our mutual friend's) was alot further away. like. almost. a. mile. thank god i wasn't wearing heels. i had to cross two very busy streets without crosswalks to get home.

according to charley, it wasn't a walk of shame...it was "a walk of glory." ha.